In approximately one year from now we will by trying to have another baby. We want at least one more child and both of us feel that baby girl will make a great big sister. So why am I so afraid?
1.) Not having enough time for both children. This is probably my biggest fear. Right now I spend nearly all my free time with just one baby. I'm afraid that trying to split time between two children just won't work. I'm afraid that because we will likely only have baby girl in daycare only part-time, that our second child won't get the same one on one experience for the entire first year of life the way she did. And then once the second is a year old and I'll be back to work there will be even less time.
2.) Not getting new stuff. Seems trivial I know, but when we have another child, all the stuff from our first baby will go to the new one. This is particularly true if we have another girl(which I am positive that the baby will be as I feel we are only destined to have girls). My first babe, I made her into a little fashionista and all her things are in good shape. But I kind of feel bad that when both my daughters grow up and look at baby pictures, they won't be able to tell which one is which as they will both be dressed in the same stuff.
3.) The pregnancy itself. I had a great pregnancy with my first. I gained little weight, felt good, looked great and had no complications at all. I don't know if I can deal with a worse pregnancy and a toddler all at the same time.
4.) The birth itself. On paper, my labour and delivery looks fantastic and like a textbook. But when I go over it in my mind, there are many large problems. I absolutely do not ever want another hospital birth. But while I live in a city with a birth centre, there is a midwife shortage. No midwife will equal hospital birth.
5.) A breech baby. Where I am, a breech baby equals a c-section. A c-section is obviously a hospital birth, so like a doubly bad situation. Major abdominal surgery and separation from my baby and then possible sleepy, jaundiced baby with nursing trouble. I actually had a dream that I had a c-section for our second baby. I was discharged immediately after I was stitched back up and I never even got to see my new baby. We went back the next day only to have to fight to see her. Once we did, they were feeding her whole milk. *shudder, shudder, shudder*
6.) The baby. My first was a combination of a difficult baby and a dream. I don't want to compare my children but I know that it's all but an inevitability. I also have the morbid worry that my second will have health complications. I have one healthy, happy baby. For some reason, even though I have no reason to think this, I worry that my second will not be.
It's all so irrational. I have no reason to think these things, but I do. And it makes me sound like I'm trying to find an out so that I don't have to have another baby. But that is so not what I want. So frustrating that my brain thinks these things.
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Monday, November 14, 2011
A Journey Ended
I feel compelled to post about this. If you look down to the blogs I follow, you'll see I am one of thousands that followed the journey of baby Anaya, a beautiful little girl with a rare illness called Infantile Krabbe Leukodystrophy, a terminal brain disease. Yesterday, she lost her battle and she passed away in her mother's arms at the tender age of two.
I've followed her story for about a year now. I first heard about it on a wedding/baby forum that I belong to when they were looking for donations of breast milk. I was not a pumping mom so I was unable to help but I do know someone who did. Hers was the first blog that I actually followed. In the past year she had her ups and downs as the degenerative disease progressed. She had been doing seemingly well the past few weeks. I felt so blindsided when I read on her Facebook page that they had been admitted to the hospital with what they thought was pneumonia. She had beaten it before, she still had some fight. I had hope for a little girl I had never even met.
Unfortunately, it was not so. With the advancement of her disease, her lungs kept collapsing. Without life support, she would die. They gathered the family and they let her go. I can't imagine having to make that choice. The pros and cons. Everyone wants just one more moment with the ones they love, but nobody wants to prolong their suffering. What a horrible decision to make to set her free when you so want her to stay.
I can safely say that I've never been so effected by what is going on in another family and to another child. I spent most of yesterday checking Facebook for constant updates on my BlackBerry. Such despair from thousands of others all across the world who had also never met the family, the number of followers went up by the minute. All joined together in grief for this family.
If there is one thing that I've learned from this amazing family, is to be ever thankful for my beautiful healthy little girl. To cherish each day with her, to love her just a little bit more, that life is extremely precious. So hug your own babies a little tighter. And remember baby Anaya and her struggle, but remember that she was pure love.
I've followed her story for about a year now. I first heard about it on a wedding/baby forum that I belong to when they were looking for donations of breast milk. I was not a pumping mom so I was unable to help but I do know someone who did. Hers was the first blog that I actually followed. In the past year she had her ups and downs as the degenerative disease progressed. She had been doing seemingly well the past few weeks. I felt so blindsided when I read on her Facebook page that they had been admitted to the hospital with what they thought was pneumonia. She had beaten it before, she still had some fight. I had hope for a little girl I had never even met.
Unfortunately, it was not so. With the advancement of her disease, her lungs kept collapsing. Without life support, she would die. They gathered the family and they let her go. I can't imagine having to make that choice. The pros and cons. Everyone wants just one more moment with the ones they love, but nobody wants to prolong their suffering. What a horrible decision to make to set her free when you so want her to stay.
I can safely say that I've never been so effected by what is going on in another family and to another child. I spent most of yesterday checking Facebook for constant updates on my BlackBerry. Such despair from thousands of others all across the world who had also never met the family, the number of followers went up by the minute. All joined together in grief for this family.
If there is one thing that I've learned from this amazing family, is to be ever thankful for my beautiful healthy little girl. To cherish each day with her, to love her just a little bit more, that life is extremely precious. So hug your own babies a little tighter. And remember baby Anaya and her struggle, but remember that she was pure love.
Friday, November 11, 2011
Maybe, Just Maybe
Honey's grandfather's ex wife was right. In this post I mused about the interesting conversation they had. Well on my way to school on Thursday I noticed that there was a for sale sign on the lawn of my mother in law. I could barely believe it.
I quickly sent a text to honey, letting him know the news. Then I hoped onto the internet to check out the listing. Well the listing is laughable at best. For starters, the price it's listed at? It is a pipe dream, even our city's hot housing market. Like anywhere between ten and twenty thousand over what it's likely worth. Our guess is she is trying to cash in on the fact that it's likely overvalued by the city itself. I have to pass by her house twice a day and there is no avoiding it so I will know when/if it sells and I will contact our real estate agent friend to find out what it sold for. Gotta see if I'm right.
Second, the pictures are terrible. Now, real estate photography is generally not high quality anyway, but that's not what I'm talking about. It's what the pictures are of that is the terrible part. I'm a nomad and my parents have bought/sold houses, honey and I sold a house and we attend numerous open houses and check out many listings online. I know what listing pictures should look like. These aren't it. There is clutter all over the place. Random boxes sitting all over the place in the bedrooms, junk in total disarray in the storage room that kind of thing. And I was annoyed to see on her fridge, a picture of honey that was taken about 12 years ago. This is a new fridge, so it's not a case of forgetting to take it down after our wedding fiasco, she would have had to purposely put it on there. The outside picture has snow on the ground meaning it would have been taken in the past couple of days, so presumably the indoor pictures were taken at the same time.
Now why do I care about all this? Well if his grandfather's ex wife is correct, honey's mother is moving outside our province. This means that it will become highly unlikely that she will bother to call him. We can finally be rid of her. So if she is gone, add that to the fact that we don't think his sister lives in the city anymore, our lives can be like those of normal people. You know, people who don't worry that their family will see them and cause a scene? I could deal with that.
I quickly sent a text to honey, letting him know the news. Then I hoped onto the internet to check out the listing. Well the listing is laughable at best. For starters, the price it's listed at? It is a pipe dream, even our city's hot housing market. Like anywhere between ten and twenty thousand over what it's likely worth. Our guess is she is trying to cash in on the fact that it's likely overvalued by the city itself. I have to pass by her house twice a day and there is no avoiding it so I will know when/if it sells and I will contact our real estate agent friend to find out what it sold for. Gotta see if I'm right.
Second, the pictures are terrible. Now, real estate photography is generally not high quality anyway, but that's not what I'm talking about. It's what the pictures are of that is the terrible part. I'm a nomad and my parents have bought/sold houses, honey and I sold a house and we attend numerous open houses and check out many listings online. I know what listing pictures should look like. These aren't it. There is clutter all over the place. Random boxes sitting all over the place in the bedrooms, junk in total disarray in the storage room that kind of thing. And I was annoyed to see on her fridge, a picture of honey that was taken about 12 years ago. This is a new fridge, so it's not a case of forgetting to take it down after our wedding fiasco, she would have had to purposely put it on there. The outside picture has snow on the ground meaning it would have been taken in the past couple of days, so presumably the indoor pictures were taken at the same time.
Now why do I care about all this? Well if his grandfather's ex wife is correct, honey's mother is moving outside our province. This means that it will become highly unlikely that she will bother to call him. We can finally be rid of her. So if she is gone, add that to the fact that we don't think his sister lives in the city anymore, our lives can be like those of normal people. You know, people who don't worry that their family will see them and cause a scene? I could deal with that.
Wednesday, November 09, 2011
How Wrong Was I
Well for the most part, I was completely wrong. I really don't know how or why I was almost completely wrong, but I was. She was an angel. So this makes another person for whom my kidlet is Dr. Jekyl and I get Mr. Hyde. What.the.hell.
I firmly expected her to be fine on the way there, at least for the most part just as long as she had something to play with, snacks and water. Which she did. But they got there around nap time. She should have thrown the hissy fit a the century. Did she? Not even close. She should have thrown a hissy fit about lunch time. Again, not even close. I can say that while Subway would not have been my first choice for a lunch for a young toddler, it's better than the McNuggets that honey's friend suggested. At least her chicken was a roasted breast with cheese and veggies versus deep fried by-products. Course he gave her apple juice when water is her drink but I guess I have to take the fact that he stuck his ground on McDonalds.
She should have gotten annoyed that she was back in her car seat for nap time. Nope, she slept the whole way home. They didn't make it in time to pick me up from school so it was a very quiet boring bus ride for me. But at least I was right about something.
So I'd like to know, who is this kid and what has she done with my daughter. I guarantee you, had I taken this trip, my doomsday warning of this post would have come 100% to fruition.
I firmly expected her to be fine on the way there, at least for the most part just as long as she had something to play with, snacks and water. Which she did. But they got there around nap time. She should have thrown the hissy fit a the century. Did she? Not even close. She should have thrown a hissy fit about lunch time. Again, not even close. I can say that while Subway would not have been my first choice for a lunch for a young toddler, it's better than the McNuggets that honey's friend suggested. At least her chicken was a roasted breast with cheese and veggies versus deep fried by-products. Course he gave her apple juice when water is her drink but I guess I have to take the fact that he stuck his ground on McDonalds.
She should have gotten annoyed that she was back in her car seat for nap time. Nope, she slept the whole way home. They didn't make it in time to pick me up from school so it was a very quiet boring bus ride for me. But at least I was right about something.
So I'd like to know, who is this kid and what has she done with my daughter. I guarantee you, had I taken this trip, my doomsday warning of this post would have come 100% to fruition.
Monday, November 07, 2011
Why Oh Why Won't He Listen?
Honey is currently on his way to a town about two hours away from here. On a highway. After a substantial amount of snow. With the baby. And it's currently lunchtime. And she is eating Cheerios. And it's half an hour away from naptime. But she isn't going to get to nap. Because he is going to stand around at some stupid auction with his best friend who feels it necessary to buy either more trucks and/or engines. Does anyone else see a potential issue here? I sure do!
I told him not to go. I told him that it would totally mess with her routine. But did he listen? Of freaking course not. The intelligent thing to do would be to listen to his wife. The mother of said non lunch eating, soon to be non napping baby. The person who knows this kid and her very edgy personality better than anyone in the world.
He is in for a real treat. I can already tell you it's going to be a disaster. She has been in her car seat since 8am when they dropped me off at school. He then drove to his friends place to pick him up. She never got out of the car. They are now on a two hour trek, which is taking longer than it should because the roads are terrible. A quick check of the government highway information website shows that at least half of the highway there is at least partly covered in ice with slippery sections. So this is not an easy cruise at 110 km/h.
I called him at noon(so about half an hour ago) to ask him if she was eating lunch. No, he answers, she is eating Cheerios, they haven't gotten there yet. So that means that she has been in her car seat, not sleeping he added, for about four hours now. That spells trouble. Serious trouble. Who knows how long this auction thing will last. She'll be sitting in her stroller, not moving for even lets say an hour. Good frigging luck. Seriously. I can't stop in the mall for 15 minutes to talk to someone before she gets pissed off. And he thinks he can stand in one place with a now likely tired toddler? Hilarious.
And what did I just realize? If it's taken them this long to get there, and if this auction lasts an hour(it could be longer I really don't know and neither does he), there is a distinct possibility that they aren't making it back in time to pick me up from school. More just great. It's a damn good thing that I brought my bus pass. Too bad my iPod is dying. I didn't bother to charge it. Really wishing I had now. It's a long hour home. And I wanted to go pick up my contact lenses. Guess that's not likely to happen now.
I told him not to go. I told him it would likely be a disaster. But did he listen? Of course not! He's smart! Right. Stay tuned for what ends up happening. I guarantee it wasn't pretty.
I told him not to go. I told him that it would totally mess with her routine. But did he listen? Of freaking course not. The intelligent thing to do would be to listen to his wife. The mother of said non lunch eating, soon to be non napping baby. The person who knows this kid and her very edgy personality better than anyone in the world.
He is in for a real treat. I can already tell you it's going to be a disaster. She has been in her car seat since 8am when they dropped me off at school. He then drove to his friends place to pick him up. She never got out of the car. They are now on a two hour trek, which is taking longer than it should because the roads are terrible. A quick check of the government highway information website shows that at least half of the highway there is at least partly covered in ice with slippery sections. So this is not an easy cruise at 110 km/h.
I called him at noon(so about half an hour ago) to ask him if she was eating lunch. No, he answers, she is eating Cheerios, they haven't gotten there yet. So that means that she has been in her car seat, not sleeping he added, for about four hours now. That spells trouble. Serious trouble. Who knows how long this auction thing will last. She'll be sitting in her stroller, not moving for even lets say an hour. Good frigging luck. Seriously. I can't stop in the mall for 15 minutes to talk to someone before she gets pissed off. And he thinks he can stand in one place with a now likely tired toddler? Hilarious.
And what did I just realize? If it's taken them this long to get there, and if this auction lasts an hour(it could be longer I really don't know and neither does he), there is a distinct possibility that they aren't making it back in time to pick me up from school. More just great. It's a damn good thing that I brought my bus pass. Too bad my iPod is dying. I didn't bother to charge it. Really wishing I had now. It's a long hour home. And I wanted to go pick up my contact lenses. Guess that's not likely to happen now.
I told him not to go. I told him it would likely be a disaster. But did he listen? Of course not! He's smart! Right. Stay tuned for what ends up happening. I guarantee it wasn't pretty.
Friday, November 04, 2011
But Then Again Maybe I Don't
I've done a lot of thinking in the past few weeks, mostly about what I was going to do with my life. I realized that there was something that I was good at but I hadn't given it much thought. I assumed I would finish this course and go live out my life as an administrative assistant for some government office. But I don't think so anymore.
I happen to be very adept with accounting. Surprisingly so actually. I think that once I'm done this course, yes I'll go to work, but I will also slowly work on a CGA. I've done some looking into it already and it looks like there are many transfer courses between the program that my college runs(not for the actual designation, just a certificate) and the designation program. And my current course will actually offer a couple of credits. I'm really excited about this prospect.
I am however, annoyed that it took me this long to figure this out. I could have been done by now. But then if I didn't get into the workforce and into my admin position with accounting responsibilities I doubt I would have learned this is actually something I like to do and can see myself working towards.
It probably won't be until around this time next year that I can start this as we want to pay for the courses outright and I'll need to build up the bank account with a few months of working full-time. And it's likely going to be interrupted by the pregnancy, birth and first year of our second child. But that's ok. I have a plan and honey is on board. In the next week or two I'm going to get in touch with the people who run the program at my college as well as the CGA program for my province to get more information. But I'm feeling good about this.
Finally, a goal is in sight.
I happen to be very adept with accounting. Surprisingly so actually. I think that once I'm done this course, yes I'll go to work, but I will also slowly work on a CGA. I've done some looking into it already and it looks like there are many transfer courses between the program that my college runs(not for the actual designation, just a certificate) and the designation program. And my current course will actually offer a couple of credits. I'm really excited about this prospect.
I am however, annoyed that it took me this long to figure this out. I could have been done by now. But then if I didn't get into the workforce and into my admin position with accounting responsibilities I doubt I would have learned this is actually something I like to do and can see myself working towards.
It probably won't be until around this time next year that I can start this as we want to pay for the courses outright and I'll need to build up the bank account with a few months of working full-time. And it's likely going to be interrupted by the pregnancy, birth and first year of our second child. But that's ok. I have a plan and honey is on board. In the next week or two I'm going to get in touch with the people who run the program at my college as well as the CGA program for my province to get more information. But I'm feeling good about this.
Finally, a goal is in sight.
Tuesday, November 01, 2011
I Want to Go Back to Work
I never really thought that I'd get to this point. But I really want to be back in the workforce. I want to have a purpose. I'm bored. I see the professionals coming out of the office buildings downtown on my way home. I should be one of those people.
I always felt very safe in school. And for the first few weeks I was quite happy with that safe feeling. I want more now. I have a family to support, so I can't be safe. It's just not enough anymore.
I have the ability to have a good job. I have the need to have a good job. I want some place to go every day and do something important. I want to be able to look at my bank account every two weeks and see the fruits of my labour and then spend it on clothes for me, toys for my baby, and a new car and a bigger house. I feel like I'm standing still and it's not a good feeling. I feel incomplete right now, like I'm not doing anything. I want to do something.
Well at least there is one month done, just three to go.
I always felt very safe in school. And for the first few weeks I was quite happy with that safe feeling. I want more now. I have a family to support, so I can't be safe. It's just not enough anymore.
I have the ability to have a good job. I have the need to have a good job. I want some place to go every day and do something important. I want to be able to look at my bank account every two weeks and see the fruits of my labour and then spend it on clothes for me, toys for my baby, and a new car and a bigger house. I feel like I'm standing still and it's not a good feeling. I feel incomplete right now, like I'm not doing anything. I want to do something.
Well at least there is one month done, just three to go.
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